Grieving the Life You Thought You’d Have

“How can this be grief when no one has died?” 

Again and again, I hear individuals ask this question, seeking understanding as they try to reconcile their pain with their faith. 

One could ask, who is grieving more? A mother who lost her child to illness or tragedy or the woman who longed to be a mother but could never have a child. Exactly…pain is pain. There is no negating that.

Most of us have learned that grief is a feeling experienced around the death or the loss of someone or something. While this is true, grief can also be the loss of someone or something that we never had to begin with. It lives in unanswered prayers. Expectations that did not happen. Promises that were not kept. Fractured families. Jobs that never came to pass. Plans or dreams that were denied or delayed. 

Disenfranchised grief- grief that isn’t openly acknowledged, socially validated, or

publicly supported- can leave us feeling ashamed for hurting to begin with.

Disenfranchised grief usually occurs because of social rules that determine who is

allowed to grieve and what losses count. This type of grief is usually kept hidden and

often coupled with shame and guilt. It’s difficult to process because it lives within. When nothing looks broken from the outside, it can be difficult to reconcile what is happening on the inside. The world keeps on turning, and the griever keeps on grieving. There is no funeral to attend, no scars to show, and no flowers to be given. 

Grief= ANY loss or change in a person’s life.

I have yet to find a sympathy card that gives condolences for all the “never-happened” pains.

• “I’m so very sorry for the loss of all your unmet expectations.”

• “My deepest condolences that your life didn’t turn out the way you ever hoped it would.”

• “Heartfelt sympathies to all your crushed hopes and dreams.”

  
  

It just doesn’t seem appropriate, right?!

As a Christian therapist, I encounter many individuals who feel confused, overwhelmed, and stuck in their faith by this type of misunderstood grief. They will often comment;

• “This hurts, but shouldn’t I still be grateful?”

• “I didn’t get what I hoped for, but it could always be much worse than this.” 

• “I trust God, but why isn’t He giving me the desires of my heart?”

• “Why am I sad when I know God promises to use this pain for my good?”

In therapy, we often say that grief recovery requires naming the loss. This helps us to

better understand what is happening in our mind and body. What happens, though, when the loss is not a person, place, or thing, but rather a possibility, a dreamed future, the version of yourself you hoped to become? The most vulnerable places of our hearts are exposed. This kind of grief deserves to be honored and handled with the utmost care. 

Lots of well-intended people often say lots of well-intended things, all in the name of

being helpful. Well, so they think. You may have heard or even said some phrases like

this before;

• “Everything happens for a reason.”

• “Time heals all wounds.”

• “God has something better for you.” 

• “One day you’ll understand why this happened.”

  
  

With the best intentions, these kinds of statements can unintentionally cause the griever more pain and shame. They have always trusted in Jesus, but are now stuck somewhere between blessed assurance and hope deferred, desperate to find the way forward.

Yes, yes, and yes, but now what? How do you begin to find recovery in your grief? How do you hold your pain with obedience and trust? Most importantly, how do you reconcile your deepest heartaches with a faithful God? 

Finding Movement in Grief

Grief is the trickiest of companions. When we understand what healthy grief actually

looks like, we are then able to release any preconceived expectations that hold us

hostage in shame and defeat. What if the goal was not to eliminate the pain, but rather to learn how to grow around it? While grief signifies the ending of something, could it also be possible to experience it as the beginning of something new? A gift that would connect one more deeply with others and closer to Jesus?

In therapy, we often acknowledge that more than one feeling can be true at the same

time. It is very possible to lament all the “never-happened” pains while simultaneously holding on to the hope of “things to come”. Grief and gratitude may first naturally appear to be at odds with each other. However, when you make room for both feelings, they can actually complement each other in a very authentic way.

Practically speaking, how can one identify healthy grief or know when our grief starts to become unhealthy? I’ve often shared with clients that MOVEMENT is key. Simply put, lament is how we carry our pain towards God. Any place in our thoughts and behaviors that starts to feel stuck may be a good indicator that something has become out of balance with our grief.

Consider some of the following:

• Have you created an identity around this loss?

• Does your grief keep you isolated?

• Are you experiencing any unexplained physical symptoms or pain?

• Do you experience internalized shame or guilt?

• Are you noticing a loss of interest in activities you once enjoyed?

If the answer to any of the above is yes, it may be helpful for you to speak with a professional who can help you find the right support.

Remember, grief is not linear. It may be a lot of “one steps this way” and “one steps that way,” but that’s ok! The goal is just to keep moving and learning to grow through the loss and change, or “never-happened” changes.

The Way Forward

From a therapeutic perspective, healing begins when we replace judgment with

curiosity. Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with me for feeling this way?” ask, “What

happened to me that makes this grief make sense?” That shift can be extremely freeing when we approach ourselves from a nonjudgmental perspective. Shame causes us to hide, but God wants us to bring our disappointments to Him. He already knows our hearts but wants us to come to Him with our grief. He cares and wants to comfort us in our darkest seasons of pain or in the “never-happened” pains.

Grieving the life, you thought you’d have doesn’t mean that you can’t also fully live in

the present moment. It just means you learn to live more honestly, acknowledging both truths at once. As time goes by, many discover that, while they wouldn’t have chosen this path, they are becoming someone they truly value. Someone who is more compassionate, more grounded, and more aware of their dependence on God.

The future may still feel unclear. That’s okay. Faith, at its core, is not certainty about the

outcomes; it is about trusting in God’s presence. He promises to meet you not only in

the life you have, but also in the way forward, as all things are being made new.

Scriptures for Disenfranchised/ Unacknowledged Grief

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." -Psalm 34:18

"He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief." Isaiah 53:3

"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." Psalm 56:8

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4

"Cast all your cares on Him because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

"Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." Psalm 62:8

"I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:13-14

"Behold, I am making all things new." Revelation 21:5

About the Author Sara Hart, is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in the state of Florida who is passionate about supporting individuals and families as they navigate emotional, behavioral, and relational challenges. She earned her undergraduate degree in Psychology from the University of North Florida and later obtained her master’s degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Liberty University after working in early childhood education.

Sara’s approach is client-centered and grounded in research-based methods tailored to each individual’s needs, including Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Solution-Focused Therapy, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), EMDR, mindfulness, and play therapy with children. She strives to create a safe, supportive space where clients can explore, grow, and move toward greater clarity and connection. Rooted in her Christian faith, Sara believes in the hope and healing found in God’s redemptive story and is honored to integrate a Biblical worldview into sessions when desired. To learn more or schedule, contact sara@takehearttherapy.com or visit www.takehearttherapy.com.